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:: How To Spot A Dyke

Lesbians are funny creatures, breaking into clearly defined sub-categories ranging from extreme femme to extreme butch. Josephine Bloggs on your average high street might not be able to spot a dyke at a hundred paces, but you should be!

Just in case you're struggling to fine tune your 'gaydar', here's some obvious signs which blow a dyke's cover (almost) every time.

Short hair?
This is usually a good place to start, but fashion today is seeing more and more straight girls sporting haircuts (and clothes) which were usually reserved for the muff-diving (visible) majority.

The mullet - still inexplicably fashionable amongst dykes in their 30s/40s - is a haircut only lesbians would wear. If you spot a woman with this hairstyle (you know the one, long at the back and short on top and at the sides) there's no need to look for any further clues. Otherwise, a combination of the following will be a better indicator.

Short nails?
Could be a sign of a manual job, but no self-respecting dyke keeps her fingernails longer than the top of her fingers for fear of impaling her girlfriend. While some women enjoy this, the age old joke goes... What do you call a lesbian with long nails?...single!

Labrys jewellery?
This is another standalone sign as straight women have a tendency to think this is jewellery shaped like a part of the female genitalia.

Women everywhere?
Have you been to her house/flat? Chances are there is nothing male-related anywhere to be found. Pictures of naked and semi-naked women will adorn the walls, and the majority of her music will be by female artists or performers who never mention the gender of the people they are singing about. Her video collection will probably be filled with films you've never heard of, and all will feature incredibly sexy women. She might even have a selection of TV clips complied from every piece of girl-on-girl action to have made it passed the censors and on to terrestrial television.

Does she have a cat?
OK, so not every woman who has a cat is a lesbian, but if you're already suspicious it's a pretty hopeful sign - especially if she talks to it as if it were a baby and carries pictures of it in her wallet (which can usually be found in the back pocket of her trousers).

Does she own her own tuxedo?
Why would a straight girl need a tuxedo? Then again, why would anyone need a tuxedo?

Good with her hands?
Dykes are the mistresses of good backrubs. If you can talk her into giving you one (a back rub), there should be no doubt left in your mind.

While all these pointers will help you spot the dykes who don't mind being spotted, not all lesbians fall into this rather stereotypical description (though it does describe just about every dyke I know). There's really only one sure way to know if she's gay - ASK!